Couples in Corona time

In Auroville, it seems that life goes on “business as usual”: there have been some break-ups, but also new couples have formed, and existing couples have decided to level up: moving in together, proposals, marriages, pregnancies, babies, etc.

However, no matter which new aspect of a relationship our friends have experienced over the past year and a half, adjustments had to be made to fit this unusual situation. We interviewed a number of couples to see how they have negotiated a relationship during the pandemic. 

New couples

In this “category”, most of the interviewees knew each other for several years already, some even since childhood. Seeing as many events were not happening as usual, “normal” dating options (eating out, going to the movies, practicing sports together) were off the table. Instead, a lot of time was spent at home, which allowed these couples to get to know each other extremely fast. This affected their relationship rather positively, as they could spend a lot more time together and had the opportunity to get to know each other without having the added stress of school or work.

Nevertheless, this was also a little overwhelming at times, so they all had to make an effort to make personal time for themselves. Lili and Perceval decided to take it slow, “consciously giving each other the space to grow into the relationship, while maintaining our individualities and not being pulled away from ourselves and what is most important to the two of us respectively.”

Moving in together

For some couples, the decision to move in together was definitely prompted by the situation, for various reasons: lack of other housing options, moving or visiting each other would have become an ordeal during the lockdown periods, or they simply wanted to stay together during these times.

This allowed them to get to know each other very well quite rapidly, but it wasn’t always easy. To have community interactions completely cut off and replaced by essentially one relationship was challenging, which turned into a crash course in how they react under tension. These issues were then promptly dealt with and they found common interests and activities, as well as “alone time”.

Getting married

Most large-scale events such as marriages were put on hold or were subject to strict attendance regulations in India, but some of our friends decided to go ahead anyway like Aurore and Yann, who had been in a long-distance relationship since 2014, half-time in Auroville and Yann in Switzerland for the other six months. “With the pandemic unfolding, our clear choice was to stay in India from the start,” says Aurore, “so when the government issued a press release that all foreigners that wished to stay in the country could do so, Yann took the last-minute decision to not leave.” When the whole world came to a stop, they started talking about getting married, so that they would never again be faced with the fear of being separated on two continents not knowing when they would be able to see each other again for whatever reason. She adds, “Having decided to marry in the midst of this whole crazy lockdown time just made us grow stronger.” They started the process in July 2020 and got married in December, with only one day’s notice from local officials to organise everything! The lockdown situation was thankfully a lot more relaxed at that moment, so they and their close ones enjoyed a beautiful traditional ceremony in a 3500-year-old Shiva temple in Kodur.

Shivangi and Ganesh’s decision to get engaged and married was actually ‘pre-Corona’ as they explain: “We planned to take this step at this particular point, regardless of the lockdown as we felt like it was time for a deeper commitment.” Nevertheless, there was a succession of ever-harsher lockdown regulations leading up to their marriage, which impacted numerous aspects of marriage preparations: their guest list had to be restricted due to regulations, but also to protect their older relations and friends (an essential part of Indian rituals and gatherings); the travel risks were increased for their family; and it was harder to book venues, purchase the necessary gifts and so on, and respect deadlines or timelines. “There was a shyness even to invite people, and then how to balance between having a great time yet follow social distancing, wearing masks, and sanitizing,” explains Shivangi. “Planning an event like this, going out to visit places and meeting people made us worried about exposing others who were not even directly connected to our planning process.” They finally married in July 2021, also in a very old Shiva temple in Munnur.

Getting a baby

Adding a little being to a couple dynamic is already quite a challenge; imagine doing so in the midst of these uncertain times! Many shops being closed, the new parents had to adapt their basic needs. However, most of them were extremely organised and procured as many things as they could in advance to avoid the hassle of shopping in lockdown. Several couples didn’t want to visit shops in person for obvious health reasons, so they relied on e-shopping and Auroville-based help circles. Some were even lucky enough to have family abroad send care packages!

The easiest source was online, as Maya and Peter explain: “We have turned to e-shopping more during the pandemic. Looking at the coming months where we will need to purchase clothes, diapers and food items, we will shop online if the shops are still closed as it can be particularly useful.” However, even online shopping came to a halt for a while and it has its own set of limitations. Seulki and Juan took another approach: “When we lived in Korea, we shopped online a lot, but living here for two years, we are doing well without online shopping. Now we prefer to borrow things from our neighbours.”

Within Auroville itself, there are several units and services providing necessities: PTDC offers basic products such as body wash and oils; Maroma has a specific line of products for babies; and Eco-Femme provides reusable diapers. As many know, Auroville also boasts an extensive supportive network. “The main way we received equipment was through free store and donations from other mums. We just asked for or offered things and advice through our WhatsApp chat,” explain Mathilde and Andrés. Elene and Malcolm also tapped into this resource, adding: “For weeks following Ether’s birth, we received lunch daily from community members through a group called ‘Made with Love’. This was one of the many services given by the Morning Star team which accompanied us throughout the pregnancy.”

Lockdown consequences for new parents

Advantages and disadvantages linked to the virus often went hand in hand, like a double-edged sword.

Lockdown implied the closing down of many people’s workplaces, so new parents suddenly had a lot of time to spend with their children, but couples who could not work remotely suffered from a sudden decrease in income. “We got our much-needed privacy after birth without having to explain why,” Elene and Malcolm recount. “It was good to have the baby when the whole world was on standby, therefore we could focus on our lives.” Mathilde and Andrés share the sentiment, but also suffered from having no work and having to rely on their families abroad. Andrés explains: “Countries with a stronger economy/state than Auroville could offer better economic support to those suffering from the economic crisis created by the pandemic.” For graphic designer Seulki, work didn’t slow down because of Corona, but the lockdown did allow her to take some much deserved rest, seven months into her pregnancy.

Social distancing, travel restrictions and lockdown regulations obliged many to stay at home. “There was no outside pressure to do anything at any time, so we could just create our bubble, healthy and balanced,” explain Mathilde and Andrés. Many people enjoyed this breather that the entire world took, taking the time to centre and concentrate on themselves. However, after a while, even that became hard as it gave way to a feeling of loneliness too, since all social activities were severely affected. New parents such as Mathilde and Andrés missed the possibility of activities like baby Watsu (water shiatsu for babies) or baby massage. For Elene and Malcolm, one frustration was that immediate family members were unable to meet their baby due to travel restrictions.

Midwifery in lockdown

Shanti from Morning Star, the midwife group which assists births, explained that new pregnancies or babies come in “waves”, depending on when couples are ready to take that step. However, all our lovely midwives agreed on the fact that COVID-19 did not have an impact on pregnancy rates. “Parents decide to have a child when they feel ready to take in a new little being into their family,” says midwife Hilde. “The social hype of wanting to predict more babies during lockdown is based on a lot of sensation, which sometimes put the parents in a position where they have to defend themselves by making it clear it was their wish to have the baby now, and not some silly expectation or media sensation.”

A clear disadvantage of the pandemic is that hospitals are more regulated, and put limits on the number of people who can accompany a mother-to-be. Also, the hospital staff are already quite stressed and this does nothing to calm the future mothers who are already dealing with a lot themselves.

However, many more mothers preferred to give birth at home, where the atmosphere is generally more peaceful and calm than in a hospital. There has been an increase in Indian families deciding to give birth at home rather than at the hospital, but this, once again, is not necessarily linked to corona. 

Hilde notes other positive effects of the current scenario for new parents: “Since both parents were home and could spend a lot of time with their new-born baby, the father got more involved and took care of the mother in a way that is not always possible when they go to work. This was for most new parents an extra bonus!”

Auroville vs the “outside world”

All the interviewees, regardless of the category they fell under, felt that Auroville is definitely a privileged environment to be in when the rest of the world screeches to a halt. “For the last year and a half, I only hear about people’s frustrations, their fears, and emotional violence from all around the world except here,” observed Yann. “While couples were struggling to stay together elsewhere, here we can thrive, we can learn to know each other more, and slowly move towards Auroville’s ideals. It’s once again the energy of this place, the space, the quiet life of nature around us that allows that.”

For new parents, pregnancy and child birth were definitely easier here when compared to most places in the world. “The holistic approach of Morning Star kept the process ‘humane’, unlike other countries where restrictions were so severe that pregnancy and giving birth could be nightmarish and solitary,” explains Andrés. Mathilde adds: “In France, women who had their baby had to wear a mask during labour and their partner was not allowed in, or if so, in very restricted conditions. During my pregnancy, several pregnancy-related activities were still happening with proper COVID measures, such as Watsu, dance class, birth preparation.”

For Seulki and Jun, being in Korea during this pandemic would have surely made them very stressed and depressed because of the impact it would have had on their lifestyle and the restrictions with regard to meeting family and close ones. Being in Auroville gave Seulki the freedom to live more slowly and build up the courage to get pregnant and raise a child, which she didn’t feel confident about doing in Korea. The same goes for Shivangi and Ganesh who admitted that if they had not been in Auroville, they probably would not have become engaged and married at this point.

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Many of the interviewees resonated with the feeling that the pandemic did not really impact us on a personal or familial level because we have a slower pace of life here, as Shivangi and Ganesh explain: “Over here, we remember to touch base every now and then and check in with ourselves on where are we and what are we doing.” This is one of the reasons why the pandemic didn’t really create many ripples. Some couples broke up, other people got together, marriages and babies happened notwithstanding but not because of the pandemic.

Yet some things changed. “All of our lives have been changed significantly due to the pandemic – particularly in our values of what is important, our careers, economic safety and priorities,” explain Maya and Peter. “These times are truly dynamic: we are both experiencing existential paradigm shifts, as well as a significant amount of personal growth,” add Lili and Percy, which many people resonate with fully.