‘Everyone was caught in the churning’

Auroville Today: Why did you write this account?

In no other account, except for Tim’s Neither For Nor Against, regarding this period of Auroville’s history, did I read any truly accurate narrative of what the ‘Neutrals’ [those Aurovilians who, while they did not support the Sri Aurobindo Society, did not approve of the behaviour of the dominant Auroville collective, eds.] and others went through in the 1970s and 1980s. I felt this perspective had to be described more fully to balance the picture.

This account was a kind of outpouring, it just came out. But I should clarify this is only my experience and viewpoint, it doesn’t exclude others, especially when you look at it from a higher standpoint. It is just what I went through and felt had to be expressed.

To what extent do you feel your upbringing influenced your response to later events in Auroville?

It was definitely a factor. The first influence was birth in a U.S. relocation camp during the Second World War. [All people of Japanese ancestry were interned in these camps, even if, like Amrit’s father, they were U.S. citizens, eds.] I didn’t remember the camps themselves, but knew my parents were traumatized by this experience, because they refused to speak to me about it.

I had to do my own research on what happened and why. And what I discovered had a profound effect upon me. I began to see there were aspects of human nature that were not very nice and that led people to do things that normally they would not do, like persecute other people.

That is why, from a young age, I was very sensitive to this type of behaviour and why, in my college years, I participated in the anti-war and the civil rights movements in the USA. I became a pacifist, but also felt very strongly about how blacks were treated in America. When I saw racial segregation in Mississippi, it had a powerful impact upon me, because here was an entire society based on suppressing a whole group of people, relegating them not just to second-class citizenship but to an effective state of semi-slavery.

So when I came to Auroville, I thought all that was finished, because this was to be a new spiritual society which mirrored all my ideals. But I was served a shocking return to reality when it turned out differently. That’s why I felt it necessary to take a certain stand regarding what was happening. It had a lot to do with my experience in Mississippi and the camps.

The first conflict you were involved in concerned the dispute with the Sri Aurobindo Society (SAS)? What were the roots of this dispute?

The differences between people in the SAS and the Aurovilians were largely cultural, showing how conditioned we are by our backgrounds. In India, caste forms character, as intimated by The Mother. The SAS people who were running Auroville were Marwaris from the business caste, so their general, though not necessarily only, orientation towards Auroville had mostly to do with business. Moreover, traditional Indian society is paternalistic and hierarchical. The Western Aurovilians had a different outlook, so naturally there was a conflict.

The original purpose of the Aurovilians who registered the new Auroville Society in November 1975, was not to throw out the SAS but to have a voice in their own affairs. However, the motivation of the individual behind this initiative was more rooted in the divisions and disagreements among those directly associated with The Mother that erupted after Her passing.

Actually it all goes back to a decision taken by The Mother Herself. Navajata, who was managing Auroville affairs, decided to take a world tour and was absent for a prolonged period. In the meantime, Mother very deliberately put Shyamsunder in charge of Auroville. When Navajata returned, he wanted to take back his portfolio, but The Mother remained silent. This started the fight between him and Shyamsunder, an internecine struggle that played out generally in Auroville.

In fact, most of our conflicts originated from those who were closest to The Mother: Navajata, Shyamsunder, Satprem, Roger.

In a way, this was not surprising because Mother had gathered very difficult personalities around Her in order to change them. And She was partially successful. I remember seeing Navajata coming down from Mother’s room, luminous and full of light, so it’s understandable why people were attracted. But after She left Her body, this luminosity dimmed, mostly disappeared, and there was a clear reversion to his former self, as was the case with so many others after Mother’s passing.

A major problem also was that Auroville’s condition in those days was very fluid. It was only five years old when Mother left, and hardly stable. Most of us were very young, with very little experience in a spiritual approach to life, so in that sense Aurovilians cannot be fully criticized for what happened. How can you blame children for immature behaviour?

Truly, these older disciples who were around Mother for so long, could have been our exemplars, helping and guiding us with gentleness and understanding, not misleading us deeper into the morass of further darkness and division.

You were the first Aurovilian to have his visa threatened.

Yes. Navajata called me to his office for a meeting with his SAS trustee group. I think he chose me because I was quiet and never much politically involved, so he thought I would be an easy target. He asked, ‘Do you support the Auroville Society?’ I said ‘Yes’. He said if I did not join the stand of the SAS, then I must go. As the SAS was guaranteeing my visa, this meant a cancellation would force me to leave India.

I told him if there was a will on both sides to find a solution, then one could be found, but my first loyalty was to Mother, and my second was to Auroville. When he insisted I join them, I said, ‘OK, give me my visa papers.’ I wasn’t angry. I just thought the whole thing was stupid. Anyway, for one reason or another, Navajata did not act on this threat.

This demand that you choose sides was later forced upon you by Aurovilians.

Yes. From about 1977 onwards, a group of us felt growing discomfort with events that embroiled the Ashram, Auroville and the SAS, leading to more and more hatred and intolerance. Though I was opposed to the actions of the SAS, this increasing fanaticism and insistence on collective conformity alienated some of us from the main body of the Auroville community. Because of past experiences, I valued individual freedom, both socially and spiritually, particularly in the choice and pursuit of one’s own unique path of yogic endeavour.

What were the consequences?

We became outcasts, punished and ostracized by our fellow Aurovilians for our non-conformity. Many former friends and acquaintances turned against us, driving us off the roads, spitting, coming in mobs to our houses. When I walked to the sports ground, people would stop and stare, and my closest neighbours constantly harassed me. This went on for years, and it started to wear me down. Sometimes it got so bad, I felt like I was in a totally hopeless situation with no end in sight.

Were you not tempted to leave?

Though I considered it, there were several reasons I didn’t and couldn’t leave. The most important was The Mother’s clear directive for me to remain in Auroville because, She said, ‘He can do what he wants there (dedicate his life to the Divine) I know it!’ And it was because I came into contact with Panditji [a tantric guru, eds] that I could deal with it. When you do japa or puja or meditate, it creates a kind of protective force field. I think without that, it would have been almost impossible for me to stay.

It’s also something to do with my character. Although I am American, I have strong Japanese values. For a Japanese person, there are two things unthinkable and unacceptable: one is giving up and the other is cowardice.

And yet, at a very extreme moment, you contemplated suicide.

Yes, this is, fortunately or unfortunately, an atavistic remnant of the Japanese character, in which harakiri or ritual suicide is a tradition. Incidentally, The Mother did not view harakiri in the same negative light as most other acts of suicide, saying, ‘that’s different.’ The Japanese consider this an act of courage, not cowardice.

I determined that to stop extremism an extreme act was necessary. But, as a former pacifist, if I was going to hurt anybody, it would have to be myself. This was in response to the mob action on 9th March 1982 when over 100 Aurovilians surrounded my house, and of other ‘outcasts’ as well, mocking and banging on my windows, ‘he’s meditating, hahaha…’ This is what instigated my resolution to do something. I felt things had gone too far.

I made detailed arrangements. Mindful of the monks in Vietnam who immolated themselves, I procured some petrol and selected a kimono. Under consideration were statements to Indian newspapers and others explaining the situation and the reasons for my action.

Then I went to see a close friend, Dietra. Without being informed of my intentions, suddenly she burst out that something terrible was going to happen, an event that my neighbour would not be able to live down for the rest of his life. Somehow, she had intuited my plan to immolate myself on his doorstep, though I never disclosed this to her or anyone else at the time.

But the next day, again a smaller mob came to my house and somebody shouted, ‘Kill yourself, you’re better off dead!’ and I thought, if that’s what they want, I shouldn’t satisfy their wish! Still, I sat down in my meditation room and asked Mother, should I do it? The answer was a very clear, ‘no’.

Then I understood why self-immolation would have been a rash act. While my aim was to stop this insanity, I realised that this might have a very adverse effect on Auroville. It’s very possible that the government would have closed it down, and that I definitely didn’t want to.

What causes people to act so intolerantly?

As individuals, people usually are decent. But in a group, the level of behavior is often much lower. This I could see in Auroville meetings. Many, even friends, said and did things that were definitely not normal. Though a certain degree of paranoia is understandable as a defensive reaction against a common enemy, unfortunately, anything based on fear easily gets out of hand and crosses boundaries of common sense and basic values.

Maybe because of my background of the camps and involvement in social movements, I developed a sensitivity to issues of fairness, human decency, and goodwill, and a conviction that a subtle ‘red line’ of behavior associated with these principles cannot be violated. To be fair, to treat others with respect and kindness, no matter what you feel and they feel, these are the civilised fundamentals of our common humanity. Without acceptance or consciousness of such limitations, just a few steps more, the end gradually justifies the means, and the inevitable descent down the slippery slope to the camps and Hitler’s Germany begins. And at that time in Auroville, this line was crossed increasingly with impunity. Externally, even though it did not develop as far as what happened in Nazi Germany, the impetus was the same. And it came to me almost with a kind of mantric cadence, ‘the force of fascism has entered Auroville.’

Was it a force for division?

Yes, it’s a kind of tribalism that leads to the creation of division. Auroville became a tribe. Luc Venet, one of those closest to Satprem, who later defected, in his article, The End of Illusion, terms this ‘jihadism’, which is basically the modern religious/ideological equivalent of fascism. I remember somebody told me, ‘You don’t understand the love we feel among us’. But I said, ‘Wolves also form a pack when they hunt and tear apart their victims. You call that love?’

At a certain point from the late 1970s, there was a fanatical and distinctly theocratic impetus that distorted the whole thing even more. And with fanaticism, there is no such thing as spirituality because spirituality, by definition, is all-inclusive.

Strikingly remarkable now is the fact that many who participated in this madness have totally forgotten what happened and deny their involvement. Observing these mobs in action, I could recognize a pattern of behaviour like that of those subject to a kind of possession. In such a condition, there may be two distinctly different personalities, the one not remembering what the other did. In fact, I witnessed this very phenomenon in several instances involving Panditji’s exorcism of individuals thus afflicted. The atmosphere surrounding the behaviour of the mobs was similar, but more like a collective possession.

In fact, when one of the people who was leading these mobs came to me later and apologised, he said, ‘I just don’t know what happened to us, why we behaved in this way.’

The Auroville Collective discriminated against you and the other ‘Neutrals’ initially because you were not supporting its behaviour. But later, because of your association with Panditji, you and some others were attacked for ‘Tantric’ practices.

This is a very complex question. It has almost exclusively to do with Satprem and his relationship with Panditji. There are many things that aren’t generally known. Satprem previously had been a disciple of Panditji, then severed the connection, and when Satprem and the Ashram trustees were in conflict, from the mid 1970’s, he tried to enlist the support of different people to take his side, even Panditji. And in letters from Satprem to Panditji, I saw him once again addressing Panditji as ‘Guruji’.

While this conflict was ongoing, he extended an invitation to Panditji to come to Pondicherry as his personal guest, but Panditji refused. He realised that had he gone as Satprem’s guest, the Ashram would have assumed he was siding with Satprem against them. And he had no intention of doing that, since previously, he had always visited Pondicherry only as a guest of Mother and the Ashram.

So he rejected the offer, and from that point of refusal of support, this anti-Tantric reaction started in Auroville.

Satprem had a certain intensity, a charisma, that people were attracted to, but possibly because of his experience in a concentration camp during the war, there was also a kind of bitterness and vindictiveness in him. He never forgave slights. And he didn’t forgive Panditji, in spite of Panditji’s deep love for him.

I don’t feel any personal antagonism towards him, but when I see what was done in his name, the hurt and pain caused to so many people and the harm inflicted on Auroville by his statements, I think he really messed up. And it didn’t have to be like that. He really could have helped Auroville; he could have elevated Auroville to a higher level.

How did the situation change?

Much more than external circumstances, the spiritual force Mother installed in founding Auroville, also when She left her body, worked to change the situation. That was a very clear experience of mine. When She passed away in 1973, I perceived a rainbow of force pouring into Auroville. For me, it is that force which is the true reality of Auroville, and She wanted the Matrimandir to be finished so it could be a receptacle for that force.

Around mid-1982, there occurred several definite descents of this same force of Mother, in these particular instances also connected with Panditji, which consciously initiated the process of change to stop all this madness. And I know that if each person makes a sincere effort to come into contact with that force and allows it to work on things, including oneself, it would solve a lot of our present conflicts.

But why did this force not stop the ‘madness’ in the first place? Why did the madness have to happen?

The Mother said of the First World War that there was a descent of such darkness, of such vital forces, that even those with the knowledge could not fully protect themselves. I felt something like that happened here.

This situation can also be compared to the parable of the asuras and the devas churning the ocean of life to produce amritam, the nectar of immortality. But the poison has to come up first before the amritam. And this poison could have overwhelmed Auroville but for the guardian force sent by Mother to save it.

In this yoga, the shakti energy is primary, which means dealing more directly with the forces underlying material creation; escape into the Absolute, the aim of traditional yogas like Non-Dualistic Advaita, is not possible. And since this is a creation of suffering and conflict, until it changes and is transformed, when we are exposed to this shakti, all of our unfortunate samskaras [deep-seated impressions from past actions that influence an individual’s behaviour eds.] come up to the surface. It’s bad enough to have to deal with them on your own. It becomes a hundred times worse when you are dealing with them in a community. And that’s why Auroville has such problems.

When Mother was still here physically, She could absorb most of these negative karmic consequences of people, which She said were like blows on Her body. But when someone asked Her what would happen if She left Her body, She shuddered and said, ‘Chaos’. And that’s what happened. We had to face our own darkness.

Interestingly, before all this happened I had a vision. A transformative force was slowly covering the earth like golden lava, but everyone was fleeing this force because they thought it was going to destroy them, which was, in actuality, true. All these beings, representative of our lower selves, were dark and small, as if made out of mud. When they saw how ugly and dark the others were, they started to attack and fight with each other. It was like war, a melee of utter confusion, each seeing the darkness in others but not in themselves.

Then appeared another scene of a concentration camp-like enclosure. There were unseen but enormous hostile beings bearing whips, tormenting and driving us round and round in circles, taking a great deal of joy in inflicting suffering .

This was symbolic of the two basic elements of the human condition and what Auroville was to experience: the general state of ignorance, and its resultant conflict and confusion, and the malevolent will to evil embodied by these adverse entities. Though both ignorance and evil are not exactly the same, one feeds upon the other.

Suddenly there was a cry for help, for deliverance. In response, there was a burst of light – it was the Auroville colour – and the whole sky was radiant with this luminosity, and the air filled with the song of angelic voices. And from this light an angel with wide wings, holding a spear and dressed in medieval armour descended. The huge dark beings disappeared and the angel motioned us to follow him. We came to a ramp. At this point, he turned to us and put his finger to his lips in a gesture of silence, then again turned around, and we followed him down the ramp. We went up through a door to another level, where we came to the entrance of a chamber.

The angel disappeared, we entered the room, and it opened on to beautiful gardens in which were enchanting beings, like apsaras [celestial singers and dancers eds.] and a very sweet vibration filled the heart. Then the vision ended.

Later, when I started working on Matrimandir, Piero and Gloria brought a model of what it would look like, and it was exactly what I had seen in this vision, which took place even before knowing anything about Auroville. The angel delivered us from the conflict engulfing Auroville into what the Matrimandir represents, a place of psychic tranquility. But who was the angel? Later, the angel was revealed to be Panditji.

I know that in Auroville many have a negative conception of him, but my experience was totally different. I am very clear that it was The Mother who brought me to Panditji. My perception is that She involved him in Auroville to help protect it, as this guardian angelic force, even though many Aurovilians rejected him and considered him the opposite, an asura [demonic being, eds.]. Mother once stated that there will be some yogis who will help Auroville, and it’s evident to me Panditji was one such individual.

But Panditji, as Mother made clear, represented the traditional yogas which had no concept or interest in physical transformation.

This may be so. But Mother absorbed all the traditional knowledge of the tantra from Panditji, an assimilation absolutely necessary for Her work. In fact, She stated categorically that with his help, in three months She had achieved what otherwise would have taken Her ten years of sadhana.

Are you still affected by what happened? In your account, there are times when a certain bitterness seems detectable.

Yes, this could be because, to some extent, I deliberately and graphically described the events of that period. And this was with an intensity of feeling to convey forcefully the reality of what had been experienced in this conflict. But taking only this particular section in isolation without reading the first part, which underscores the background for this mindset, as well as the last part, which summarizes and attempts to resolve what was learned, would create, I feel, a misperception. The account has to be taken as a whole, one movement leading to the other.

I really had to deal with my own reactions, more disgust than bitterness. Bitterness to me implies vindictiveness, ‘getting even’, which I didn’t feel at all. Instead, for some time, I didn't want to be bothered anymore by people who had done these things. It was rather, ‘Leave me alone!’

I learned through the long practice of japa, puja and meditation that it all depends upon where you put your consciousness. If you place your attention on Mother’s force or the inner reality of what one is deep within, what Auroville is, and what the Aurovilians are, there is an abiding sweetness. But if you look at the terrible things that people have done, then it is very difficult not to react with disgust. And these were actual events which I felt had to be described and narrated, as part of Auroville’s history, which should be viewed clearly and courageously and not glossed over.

So, for a long time, I alternated, I flipped back and forth between these two perspectives, a kind of dilemma of consciousness.

But taking up work again at Matrimandir had a very good effect, because even those who hated me had to interact and personally deal with me. And I tried to overcome my inveterate tendency to withdraw by going out of my way to help, to be positive. It was a very good field in which to train and change myself, and it aided me in overcoming much of the negativity.

Actually, I wasn’t concerned so much with individuals as much as with more universal dynamics. In fact, there were those who personally had done really bad things to me and when I met them later, there was no real reaction. But I suppose what I did feel, was connected more with a generalised sense of injustice or unfairness, the fundamental question of the existence of evil in this world. In fact, I experienced much more outrage at the hurt caused to others, than to myself. Strangely enough, I didn’t consider myself particularly victimized, because this implies one weaker bullied by someone stronger, and I didn’t feel particularly weak, only incomprehension at what was happening. And naturally the stress began to wear.

Do you feel that what happened then could happen again in Auroville?

Until the community reaches a certain point of evolution, it is possible, though I think improbable. And this was one very personal reason for writing this account: it must never happen again, something The Mother explained when She disagreed with proposals to dismantle the Nazi Concentration Camps in Europe. She was very clear that it must not be forgotten. And I regard this aspect of Auroville’s historical past in a similar light.

When you look back at your own part in what happened, do you think there is anything you could have done differently?

In a certain way, nothing was in my hands. We were all swept away by a flood, a river of force so powerful, all we could do is try to survive. But, of course, we still could choose whether to flow with the more luminous or more negative currents, because these two choices exist in everything.

Certainly, there is nothing I could have done to change other people or the course of events in Auroville. The only thing I could do is to change and work on myself, and to understand from my previous experience in the civil rights movement that this type of revolutionary activism is not the solution.

But initially I allowed myself to be drawn into it. That was a big mistake. Luckily there were certain inner experiences that indicated this to me, and I was able to withdraw in time.

In the end, when I look at myself, I was as stupid and ignorant as everybody else. So who is there to blame? Everyone was overwhelmed: like the asuras and the devas churning the ocean, we were caught in the churning. In that situation, the only thing to be done is pray and activate an aspiration. Only this can invoke a liberating grace, otherwise it’s hopeless.

Mother said if you are in contact with your soul, something can act to protect and save.

I never claimed to be a yogi, I’m like everyone else dealing with their problems. It’s just that in these rather horrendous circumstances, I was blessed with a grace because of Mother, Panditji, and the Force ever present since childhood. Otherwise, I think I might have been totally drowned in this thing: I’m not sure I would have survived. If anything, I am grateful that there has been a kind of guidance through dreams, visions and experiences, that have indicated and warned me of what was to come, and what I had to deal with in terms of my own difficulties.

Each person has to confront a karmic knot. In my case, there was a karmic knot that I have had to deal with since childhood. So the main thing is to try to work on that. It’s difficult but we have to try. Mother said that if each can change even one small defect, then She is happy. So that’s all we can do.

And there are ways this can be done. We have been assured that this is one of those tremendous junctures of Grace in human evolution when that is possible. And to avail of this unique opportunity, She has indicated the way and the process: surrender, offering all we do and are into the luminosity abiding in our hearts, whose core qualities are detachment, benevolence, compassion and love, imbued with gratitude for the ever-present Grace that is upon us all. And if we can accomplish this, to live in this state of gratitude and grace as constantly as possible, called the ‘sunlit path’, then can we merge ourselves into the stream of the radiant Shakti that pervades everything.

This is the true power of transmutation, and only in this Mother Force that is the very essence of this Creation, can Auroville’s collective aim be fulfilled: the psychic brotherhood and unity of souls that one day certainly must and will be. And this is the spiritual significance and effective power of realisation of the Matrimandir.