Talking about death

Open letter — Words by Julietta

LTAD core group from left: Fakeera, Lisa, Den, Kalsang, Valeria

Initially created as a sub-group of Third-Age (under Mattram’s umbrella), the “Let’s Talk About Death” group aims to reach any age of Auroville’s population by providing time, space and content to talk freely about death. We have met several times to ponder upon how we want to do this and what platform we want to offer to Auroville. In our research we stumbled upon something called a ‘Death Cafe’. What is needed to hold a ‘Death Cafe’ is a venue, a facilitator and most importantly, cake. We now have it all.

The Farwell Centre

This was the initial announcement in the News and Notes and on Auronet__ for the first ‘Death Cafe’ on October 17th 2020. The gathering was held at the Pavilion of Tibetan Culture and, as mentioned, it started with cake and coffee. In addition to the six members of the organising team, only thirteen other interested people attended because due to the pandemic the number was restricted. After coffee we moved to the upstairs space, where Valeria had created a beautiful ikebana flower arrangement in the centre of the circle.

Some questions had been prepared for participants to contemplate to provide structure to the sharing. What was your first experience of death? Could you recall a specific event that completely shifted your perception of death? What would be your death goal?

At the beginning of these sharing's we invited the participants to talk from their genuine experience, to avoid dialogues and lectures using quotes of the Mother and Sri Aurobindo, and allow a few moments of silence between sharing's for the one who shared to feel respectfully and deeply heard, and, of course, to maintain confidentiality.

As death is such a known – yet unknown – phenomena, a lot of stories unfolded. Some related to people’s near death experiences, some related to what Sri Aurobindo and Mother had said, but a lot of them were people’s deep personal experiences, including near death experiences. Even though initially we noticed some resistance in those who attended these meetings, deeper emotions and stories were definitely shared. In one of the meetings, one person shared about how they feel sad when they see an insect dying and, after a few moments, they expressed how angry they were about the death of a close one. Even though the person died many years ago, this person was still holding on to anger because letting go of that close one was too difficult for them.

Moreover, the process of releasing people’s attachments to a loved one who is deceased often tends to bring back memories, and all the sadness resurfaces again.

Overall, the response to this initiative was very positive and over time ten gatherings followed at different venues in Auroville. The organising team met weekly to prepare the events, to share their own feelings and concerns and, yes, there was cake there, too. The initial ‘Death Cafe’ slogan was changed to ‘Let’s Talk About Death’ (LTAD) and sometimes special topics were tackled, like grief. On the 13th of March 2021, there was a talk by Alok Pandey at Savitri Bhavan on the topic of ‘Facing Mental Challenges on the Spiritual Path: Death’, followed by a question and answer session. You can watch it at https://youtu.be/pMdvl0fwHs8

Another exceptional event took place when Aurovilian and external speakers spoke about the teachings of the Mother and Sri Aurobindo on the topic of death: Death in the Light of Sri Aurobindo and Mother’s teachings.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66ow8ETsrhw

A session which involved a lot of introspection and inner investigation was an Awareness Through the Body workshop on death with Aloka and Rosa at Transition School.

What has been discovered during all these meetings is that there is still hesitation to speak openly and confidently about death and what comes with it. How does one prepare for the end of life? When does one start to think about it? When does one start to talk with relatives or friends about it? How to talk to people with terminal illnesses? How to anticipate and prevent suicidal tendencies?

Thankfully, Auroville has numerous therapists in different fields and a large pool of professionals who are handling these topics. In Mahalakshmi Home and Marika’s Home we have places for assisted living which can also provide hospice care. Mechthild, Paula and their Health Services team are skilled and dedicated people who help make the transition into another realm as painless, respectful and self-determined as possible. There are even women who trained as doulas (usually a person who provides emotional and physical support during pregnancy and childbirth) specialised in death.

At the Farewell Centre, Auroville has a long-term committed team which handles the body of the deceased with love and respect. The atmosphere at the Centre during visiting hours when family and friends can bid goodbye or keep vigil for a deceased is very special and soothing. The last rites at the Auroville Burial and Cremation Ground are meaningful, heartfelt and peaceful.

Those working and serving in this area have also started to collect content related to the topic of death, including articles, books, videos, links to websites, and very soon all these will be made available to the community.

It might also be a good idea to form a group in Auroville which can help with various aspects of death and dying.