All by my Lonesome

In our big Auroville family, just like everywhere else, loneliness affects all generations and backgrounds, from the misunderstood teenager to the senior in a retirement home, including single parents and people suffering from disorders. “Nowadays, we live in a society where we can survive alone, so it’s easier to become independent,” said Indra. Matthieu added: “The trend is towards a culture of spreading: youth leave their family earlier, they leave the village, they move away. Familial and communal unity is dissolving.” External happenings and other means of socialization provide an apt distraction from tedium and humdrum routines. Some people feel bored when these diversions are taken from them, whether or not they are surrounded by friends and/or family. What determines the shift from boredom or solitude to loneliness?

Around twenty or so people from all corners of Auroville agreed to answer a few questions, whether or not they actually suffer from loneliness. Some preferred to stay anonymous, most felt comfortable sharing their identity for the purpose of this article. It is not an easy topic to broach as it can be extremely painful and traumatic, almost taboo, so the purpose was to try to raise awareness around this topic and understand it better.

Loneliness

How does one recognise a lonely person? Do they talk about it openly? Unfortunately, they mostly do not, and it can only be seen by observing the behaviour of others.

The people who withdraw from society and hide their suffering are less visible. “This pattern creates a vicious circle: because they suffer from loneliness, they don’t really want to talk about it, which makes them even lonelier because they don’t feel like they can ask for help; to reach out feels like they’re showing a weakness, a vulnerability,” as Virya described.

The opposite coping mechanism is to seek attention and compassion, either in person or via email or Auronet, just looking for ways to communicate. The neediness of those people can oftentimes be terribly overwhelming.

The pandemic and repeated lockdowns certainly did not help with regard to loneliness, as it obliged everyone to socially distance. During the pandemic, some avoided all and any social contact by getting everything delivered right at home, without talking to anyone. As Véronique J. explained: “Sometimes, loneliness can be the result of repeated patterns, whether self-inflicted or from others, that can even lead to a pathological state of mind. If you don’t then go through some psychological work on yourself, you stay in those patterns. The very first step is to become aware of it.”

Gnothi seauton, know thyself

Throughout life, we interact with different people or groups of people, and we go through various phases of growth and self-discovery.

At a young age, our life revolves around our parents and they determine a lot of what it entails. In a society that expects the parents to start working again quite soon, the child (and parent) can go through separation anxiety. If handled with care and compassion (by parents as well as professionals), the situation can be dealt with gracefully, avoiding attachment disorders or other linked problems. Thankfully, Auroville provides several options with fun and inspirational places for both children and parents, especially if the latter want to take on a more active role in their children’s upbringing or provide alternative schooling methods.

During adolescence, friendships assume a more crucial significance. As adolescents become more independent of their families, they depend increasingly upon friendships to provide emotional support. At this point, being socially active and accepted becomes of paramount importance. Being rejected is a much bigger deal. During this phase of life, introverted youth will suffer the most from loneliness', because they have the most trouble reaching out and making friends. Indeed, the image of the lonely elderly person is actually just a stereotype: numerous studies and surveys worldwide have shown that loneliness rates are higher in youth and young adults than in the senior group.

Many youth suffer from loneliness: as they are still searching for themselves, they are not comfortable being alone and therefore suffer most from FOMO (fear of missing out). “Younger people don’t really know what they need or want (and don’t want) in their lives. They also have many barriers, which we deconstruct as we grow older, like concerns about what people think about you and what you do,” said Matthieu. As we start knowing ourselves better, we start appreciating alone time.

The focus turns inwards, towards our selves, asking ourselves why did I (re)act this way? What am I feeling? Why?

For Véronique, “compartmentalization truly contributes to loneliness in Auroville. People don’t go to certain places because only different age groups hang out there.” Indeed, as per the adage “Birds of a feather flock together”, humans too have a tendency to limit their meetups to groups of the same interest or age, which directly impacts intergenerational interaction.

Many social constructs dictate that individuals need to find a partner, get married and have children. Numerous people who come to Auroville do so without their family, and some really suffer from leaving their family behind. For some people who never had children despite wanting to, this void can take the form of regret and loneliness. Despite loneliness being an ailment that affects all generations, ageing itself is a factor that can lead to loneliness: the decline in physical function seriously handicaps some seniors. They can suffer from chronic illness, hearing loss and decline in strength, making them less active and thus more prone to social isolation. This can put them at risk for dementia and other serious medical conditions.

Sometimes, some elderly people choose to push close ones away too, knowing what the end will inevitably be and somehow hoping their passing might be less noticed or less painful (for others) this way. In this case, solitude is their choice; it is “the last thing that remains within their power”. However, as Indra pointed out: “Whether you’re the one who pushes other people away or other people push you away, you end up being alone. That can turn into loneliness if that situation is not embraced or accepted.”

However, some of them choose to not give in to the fear of sickness and death, and decide to be consciously involved in the process of aging, interestedly watching the process, marveling at the changes in their body and at the miracle of life. 

Part of the yoga

As Enea explained: “Loneliness is a state tied to the ego and the persona we have created. It is part of the relationship we have with ourselves, and the only cure is the discovery of the Self beyond the illusion of self, which is surely not a lonely experience but rather a unifying one.”

Thus, some people choose solitude voluntarily due to a yearning for a yogic life. As Sri Aurobindo put it: “The soul that can live alone with itself meets God”. One interviewee likened the life she chose for herself to the way people live in the Sri Aurobindo Ashram in Pondicherry: as simple as possible, aspiring towards higher spiritual spheres. Some believe that this absence of socialisation in their life is part of the sadhana they are going through, or even that longing for human contact is something to be shunned. Abstinence

This creates for some people the perfect base or gateway for self-work because it is only in their own silent space that they can really be complete, and BE. “All in all, it seems to me that solitude is a yoga in its own right that allows you to distinguish the true from the false,” said Vaïya. Virya added: “Part of the reason we are here is to work on ourselves, and we learn to deal with ourselves through our past experiences. It is important to know and understand yourself better, to be more conscious of your reactions to things, and to work on detachment, because then feelings of depression or loneliness are less triggered.”

Most of the interviewees are of the opinion that if one accepts oneself and appreciates one’s being, one can be alone without suffering from it. However, psychologist Juan Andrés warned against this type of attitude: “This relatively tough approach of ‘deal with it’ seems to imply that there are problems with one’s personal development. Sometimes other elements can also strongly affect a person’s wellbeing, such as genetic factors, being brought up a certain way, trauma or history, and even limited resources. Some people struggle with their spiritual and psychological evolution, and simply being humble enough to admit that they have limitations and accept their own personal growth process goes a long way. The process of knowing and accepting oneself can surely be beneficial while embracing solitude if done in a holistic and conscious way, away from judgment and comparisons to a supposed “right way” for progress or how others may do it. There are resources, such as psychotherapy, that can help with this inner discovery, growth and work.”

With regard to our communal commitment in the broader sense, Jaya observed: “Auroville is about individual and collective, hand in hand, inseparable. So when you distance yourself from the collective, that aspect may be more difficult to work on.” For several interviewees, living in a community fosters feelings such as love, interaction and contact. Juan Andrés added: “This interdependence should not be seen as an element of weakness but as a place of balance between both the individual and the communal.” 

Alone but not lonely

Being alone and loneliness are not synonymous. Indeed, someone surrounded by many people may feel lonely, while a person who prefers to be alone actually likes it that way and does not seek social interaction. “To be alone or to feel sad about being alone is a choice. Different people experience different feelings by being alone. Some are happy or excited to be alone, others feel pain or become depressed,” explained Yuval. “So what makes people choose the way they feel about being alone? Their different needs? Their belief systems? Their self-image? Their level of sense of Self determination?”

All the interviewees agreed on the point that loneliness is actually just a state of mind, as Theo described: “It’s like a concealed weapon which only hurts yourself.” Additional factors are one’s mental state and environment, as well as strong changes in routines (e.g. death of a close one, Corona lockdowns). “To get out of this,” explained Virya, “you have to want to help yourself. Often, it is easier to stay in the role of victim, because changing position involves a risk, it implies leaving one’s comfort zone; change always leads to something unknown, and if you’re not ready to take that step, you have got to accept where you are at. If you don’t, then you are miserable.”

Overall, the seniors who helped write this article do not actually suffer from loneliness, and one of the main explanations behind this phenomenon is Auroville itself. “Thanks to an enlightening discussion I recently had with my very close friend Bhaga, I understood that help will always be here when the need arises, as life in Auroville is amply filled with love, kindness and good will,” said Vaïya. “To the extent of their capacity, everyone in the wider Auroville family is attentive to others, which allows us to remain positive and grateful. It feels like a constant miracle and gives the extraordinary feeling of living Out of Time, or ‘timelessly’.” Indeed, our small and closely knit community provides a safe environment for most people to be able to reach out and ask for help when the need arises.

Another reason behind this is that most of our seniors are still very active, even at a late age. They continue working, they exercise, they spend time with family and friends, they meet neighbours and acquaintances in public or communal spaces. All in all, they would even appreciate more alone time!

For those that are less or not active anymore, they appreciate this slowing down of rhythm. Even those who initially rued that kind of life when it did happen finally learnt to appreciate the solitude.

Auroville initiatives

In bigger cities, meeting new people through common interests is relatively “easy” because one knows where to find fellow enthusiasts. As Indra explained: “The cultural fabric of Auroville is nonexistent. For example, in Europe, if you like football, you can go to the pub, sit in front of a match and connect quite fast with other football fans. Over here, it’s less easy to find that common point of interest because our society is very new and small, very different and diverse, because we come from all over the world. Finding someone that has the same interest as you is less easy here.”

Yet Auroville actually offers quite a large spectrum of activities. There are many things that are nourishing, such as attending cultural events like the cinema, concerts, exhibitions, theatre. Learning and training activities abound too: various reading or discussion groups, workshops and classes of all kinds, whether artistic, literary, linguistic. There are also many options to work on one’s psychological well-being through dance, exercise, massages, sports, yoga, walks through the forests, parks or Matrimandir gardens. Even bonding with other people through social events seems quite available, with maybe a noticeable void when it comes to spaces dedicated to dating or meeting other single people.

Overall, Auroville offers many more activities and help systems than any place of this size in most developed countries, as Matthew observed: “Auroville is getting better and better at addressing emotional issues that we all face. We only have to see how many of us have had some kind of therapy to see how far it has come over the years. We have great people here to help, such as the therapies offered in Mattram for example.”

Ever more options

Nevertheless, despite being spoilt for choice, there are always some people who will not partake in any of these activities because it is not quite their cup of tea.

Other initiatives, like inviting children to spend some time in Mahalakshmi Home, are received with either bubbly enthusiasm or complete rejection. Véronique explained a down-side of seniors’ homes: “Very often, the elderly do not want to go into a seniors’ home because they feel like they’re just being conveniently stored out of the way until their death. One solution is to create living spaces for two single people: one youth and one senior, with shared common spaces, like a mix between Humanscapes and Mahalakshmi Home.”

Over the years, several people - including interviewees Matthieu and Véronique - have wanted to set up a “social club”, managed by people from all generations. This dedicated space would host a number of activities (books, games, arts and crafts) and offer themed evenings (like board games, collective games, improvisation theatre, live music), for a multi-age public. It could also be used for meetings or simply to hang out. Matthieu explained: “This space could serve as an introduction to something new with a structure and thread to follow, not specifically to fight loneliness as there is obviously an intense social stigma around that topic.”

Most interviewees agree that every person can help when it comes to reducing loneliness in others, by simply giving neighbors and acquaintances a few minutes of their time and energy. As Indra said: “Sometimes, we try to come up with drastic/big solutions and organise things, but often it’s just a question of accepting things that come our way naturally, like investing just a little bit of energy, a few moments, in people with whom you have a little more connection (like your neighbour for example). It can go a very long way with regard to having a healthy society. Everyone giving just those extra few minutes would help the community at large and at a bigger scale.” To do that, people need to slow down a little, as Véronique commented: “One notable way of helping oneself and others with feelings of loneliness is to slow down: instead of whizzing around on our motorbikes or cycles, go walking when you can. This gives you and the people you are crossing the time to interact in a meaningful way.” This would work most effectively if it stemmed from a sense of goodwill, care and compassion. “It shouldn’t be a ‘duty’ for people to take care of their neighbour. We need to learn to nurture a social spirit and cultivate a sense of community to be less individualistic,” added Matthieu.

At some point, we – the larger community – will need to cultivate better communication, trust and sharing, to be able to understand everyone’s needs better. As Jaya observed: “We have some very good things in place; now we are more people and communication should be more open about needs, such as home visits, group activities or evening walks. Listening and acceptance are often enough and a great start of things. We can do anything; we have such freedom.”