Loneliness in the time of COVID

Clinical psychologist and NeuroLife coach Praveen Chopra talks about the increasing number of people who are suffering from loneliness and what can be done about it.

Auroville Today: How would you define loneliness?

Praveen: Loneliness is a negative and distressing emotional state that arises from a discrepancy between one’s desire for social connectedness and one’s achieved levels of it. It’s the dissociation between what an individual expects or wants from a relationship or from society versus what an individual is actually experiencing at that moment in their lives. There are two aspects to it: loneliness, which is the subjective feeling of being isolated; and social isolation, the objective state of having few social relationships.

The word ‘lonely’ should be distinguished from ‘being alone’. Lonely has a psychological element of suffering: it is an emotion because of a lack of companionship. But ‘being alone’ does not necessarily trigger the feelings of loneliness. You can be alone because someone has left. You can also be alone because of your choice; for example, many Buddhist monks live alone. They live in solitude, which is a state of being alone without the negative emotions associated with feeling lonely.

Has the pandemic and the imposed lockdowns increased the sense of loneliness?

Yes. The pandemic has triggered a loneliness epidemic. The statistics show us that pre-COVID, worldwide one out of ten people were lonely. Today, mid-COVID, it’s one out of four. That shows an exponential rise in loneliness. The feeling of loneliness is intensified by the protocols and precautions society needs to follow to protect against COVID-19. Social isolation has become a major reason for the onset of loneliness or for its increase. If a person had a tendency to be lonely pre-COVID, it will now intensify. And there is a risk that loneliness becomes chronic, as is now seen in countries such as Japan.

Loneliness is not only an issue of people who live alone, but also of people who are habitually in the company of others. They are lonely because they are not able to identify with the others. Also in partnerships people can be lonely because that what originally brought them together, is no longer valid. This is now being aggravated as due to the lockdowns, people are forced to be together. Earlier, at least one of the partners would be out for work for the day. Now, people have to stay together. This creates tensions. Earlier, such issues would be swept under the carpet. Now they have surfaced and come forward.

You have been advising on partnership issues?

I have been dealing a lot with partnership issues. For many people, this is a litmus test. “Can we stay together? What are the rules of engagement, of our behaviour, of our intimacy level?” I’ve found that the first barrier to overcome is the denial factor. For if you admit that there is an issue, then you must seek a solution, and if you don’t want to see the issue, you live a lie. But there is a cost to no-decision, to inaction. If you don’t do something, there will be always be a consequence: whether it is a lack of peace of mind, or an increased physical ailment. Some couples who have lived long together decide to continue living their ‘script’, even if they have nothing more to say to each other. That’s a relationship of convenience, but it isn’t a healthy one. There was research some years ago on men and women staying in an abusive and unhealthy relationship who preferred this to the prospect of facing loneliness. They compromised their authenticity for fear of the unknown. In all those cases, I advise them to agree to change their ‘script’ and possibly separate for a few months. That gives each of them the possibility to refocus on themselves, for being alone can be a beautiful contemplative process as well. Often it is better for the person to remain alone and discover themselves – that’s the opportunity given here in Auroville. For here you are not in a rat-race and you can find like-minded people. But you have to take the courage to do so.

What are the consequences of loneliness?

One study has found that lonely individuals are often affected by physical and mental health problems. Another recent study predicts that COVID-19 will have a long-term and profound impact on older adults’ health and well-being. We can expect an increase of cardio-vascular diseases, stress, obesity, diminished immune system functioning, depression, anxiety, poorer cognitive functioning, and an increased occurrence of behaviour dysfunctionality and suicide rates. Statistics have also shown that the occurrence of Alzheimer’s disease, connected to dementia, is on the rise. In the last 6 months, there has been an increase of more than 100%. This is scary.

Can you ‘measure’ loneliness? 

Yes, but only to an approximation, because measuring the subjective experience of loneliness can be a very complicated process and may involve MRI brain scans for accuracy.  Changes in loneliness are easier to identify once a baseline has been established.  As a simple guideline, the following UCLA loneliness scale developed by Russell in 1996 could provide a general indication of loneliness. 

You can approximately measure your loneliness level by answering the following ten questions. Answer each of the following questions with 1 (never), 2 (rarely), 3 (sometimes), 4 (always), and then tally up your score. The average score is 20, and anything below 25 is normal. But a score above 30 indicates extreme loneliness, which may require medical or psychological attention.

1. How often do you feel unhappy doing so many things alone?

2. How often do you feel you have no one to talk to?

3. How often do you feel you cannot tolerate being so alone?

4. How often do you feel as if no one understands you?

5. How often do you find yourself waiting for people to call or write?

6. How often do you feel completely alone?

7. How often do you feel unable to reach out and communicate with those around you?

8. How often do you feel starved for company?

9. How often do you feel it is difficult for you to make friends?

10 How often do you feel shut out and excluded by others?

What if your score is over 30? The first thing to do is not panic. Because taking this test at home is not the same thing as getting a proper thorough psychological assessment.

How is the situation in Auroville?

I think loneliness in Auroville is as prevalent as elsewhere in the world. But I can’t say for sure. Many years ago, when I first visited Auroville, I met an Aurovilian at the Solar Kitchen who said to me, “Praveen, there is an issue of loneliness here. Join Auroville. People will be queuing up in front of your clinic.” But that did not happen. Many Auroville residents hesitate to go to someone and ask for help. The argument is “We don’t need to see a psychologist if we follow the teachings of Sri Aurobindo and The Mother”. But I have found that many do need a guide as the do-it-yourself option lacks what I call “accountability”. Many people find it difficult to monitor themselves and have discipline. For example, they say, “I will now start meditating every day at 6 am.” It works for a few days, then they give up, and soon feel bad about that. If there is an interaction with a helper, this is different. 

I often ask my clients to do something during the week, and report about it the week afterwards. That creates continuity and a certain accountability of the people. And I advise them to start small. Small steps will finally lead to your destination. As the Dalai Lama once said to his audience, “There is no enlightenment pill”. It goes step by step. Micro efforts lead to macro benefits.

What are the main issues you are dealing with?

The top five issues I face as clinical psychologist are loneliness, depression, anxiety, stress, a life change due to circumstances like death or divorce or loss of job, and severe issues of sudden grief: people just losing their ‘mojo’, saying that they are really tired, have lost their interest in life, and in essence, are saying ‘I am fed up, my passion for what I am doing is no longer there.’

What do you advise people?

I focus on introspection, cognitive re-framing, interaction and connection, movement, and changing perspective as ways of coping with loneliness and depression. 

Regarding introspection I advise to observe your inner script: Are your default ways of thinking about life, others and the environment positive? Or are you in an “I am a victim” frame of mind? Are you inspired to improve your day-to-day functionality? Can you observe your depression as a passing cloud? Cognitive re-framing means that instead of looking at some unpleasant event or experience this way, try look at it in a different way. Change your perspective. Be more generous and kind, and less self-centred and judgemental. The person who did not smile back at you may have not even noticed you as he was lost in an inner state. Don’t take it as a personal insult. And reach out. A sincere smile does a lot for the well-being of another person. Complement a person for the work he or she is doing, don’t take that work – or the person – for granted. These are known as micro acts of kindness, and they mushroom. You make one person happy, and the person in turn will do something nice for the next person.

Then again, talk to friends and family on a weekly basis, preferably in person or by phone, or through social media. It also helps if you can send and receive short video clips. Form or participate in an online local group in Auroville to investigate your inner journey with others who may have similar interests. Social contacts must be made at least once a week. Because otherwise isolation becomes a black hole, and the gravity pull of a black hole is so strong that it becomes increasingly difficult to get out of it. 

Motion is responsible for emotion, and if you move the body, it changes the well-being and the mental stage. Movement improves mind and memory. Go out for a walk and get some sunshine – this will help reduce depression, anxiety and stress. If you can’t go out, do a little brisk walk in your apartment. Sit up and lie down for 5 minutes, this prevents muscle and mental atrophy. Do hatha yoga exercises. By increasing our heart rate we release the “feel good” neurotransmitters – dopamine and serotonin. These two help in reducing symptoms of loneliness, depression, and improve memory. For there is a connection between regular exercising and cognitive functioning: regular exercise leads to decrease in the onset of Alzheimer’s disease and dementia. 

I also encourage many of my clients to consider the possibility that this challenging phase of their life may represent an opportunity to explore some of their goals that they may have “shelved”, waiting for the perfect mood or time. For example, read that book that has been on the shelf for a while, start the study you have always wanted to do but for which you never had time, and so on. And last but not least, I remind them that “time is like oxygen”. It’s precarious; with each out breath one is moving towards one’s last breath. And this awareness can bring people to a feeling of intense gratitude for what they have. I ask them to say ‘thank you’. Thank you that their body is functioning well, that their eyes are seeing well, that their heart is functioning without problem, and so on. This is an amazing exercise which brings great joy. Gratitude is a huge factor in the well-being and meaning or life. If you intentionally bring your awareness to your body, do a self-scan of your body, and feel grateful for its functioning, you feel much better afterwards. This is not only a psychological fact. MRI machines have shown the positive shift in the neural correlates that these exercises bring.

What can the Auroville community do to help others?

The first step is to increase public awareness that a rise in the rate of loneliness and an increase of depression are expected consequences of the current self-isolation rules. The next step is to start a system of community helpers.

Let Auroville set up a helpline, a 911, for people to call when they are in distress. This line should be 24/7 operated by people who can connect the callers with trained Aurovilians who can take care. Let every community in Auroville appoint one or two of its residents to be community helpers who visit the members of their community who have problems and are available to help out. 

Provide good training to the helpers. How can they help a person who is closed up? How can they convince such a person that there is light at the end of the tunnel? I would be happy to teach them some principles and methods and run some workshops. 

If these measures can be implemented, if community helpers are there to help those in difficulty, one more step towards that elusive human unity will be made.

Dr. Praveen Chopra is a quantum physicist who has worked with institutions such as Fermilab and CERN in the fields of astrophysics and in researching the mass of neutrinos. In 1996 he shifted to clinical psychology when he discovered that the behaviour patterns of human beings were more complex and less predictable than particle physics. He has been working as a clinical psychologist and NeuroLife coach in the USA and with clients in Europe, UK, Middle East and India. Since 2011 he has visited Auroville and taught Psychology at Future School for several terms, conducted a 5 week workshop at Arka on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction and presented seminars on “Understanding Your Teenager.” He is currently in the phase of permanently settling down here and will soon start the process of joining Auroville. 

His book “Psychology, Quantum Physics, Spirituality and Philosophy” is scheduled to be published in 2021.

Two Auroville services are already helping out.

Koodam

At the beginning of April, Koodam, the conflict resolution platform that offers personal and group conflict transformation services in Auroville, extended their support to anybody needing help in coping with the challenges presented by the lockdown and quarantine regulations. The first need of the hour, they experienced, is to strengthen the collaboration within the community. 

Mattram

Mattram (sharing for connection) offers a counselling service to help the process of healing, transformation and growth in a holistic way, with a team of professionally trained psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists.